All you need is love (and a little understanding of how the brain works)

As it is February and the month of love, belonging seemed a good place to start for this article. From birth, humans have a basic need to belong and be accepted. During their quest for independence, the focus on social acceptance is hardwired into the teenage brain and they seek out friends and social groups.

Now, whilst parents may love and accept their teens unconditionally, unfortunately their peers don’t. Which means that to be accepted by their peers, teens need to bring something to the table.

They start to care about whether their clothes, music tastes, even humour, are acceptable to their peer group. So added to acceptance, is the need to be competent, or capable (of choosing the right clothes, music etc).

As if that wasn’t enough, neuroscientists have shown the brain becomes more sensitive to social status and respect during this period too. So, to put this all together from the teens’ perspective: if they feel competent and are respected then they can have status and belong.

When young people interact with socially powerful people (i.e. teachers and parents), status and respect come to the fore. Because teens are sensitive to differences in status, they are subtly reading between the lines of each thing we say, trying to interpret the hidden implications of our words, to find out if we are “disrespecting” them. As you can imagine, this creates a disconnect between what adults intend to communicate and what young people hear.

This can make it difficult for us to communicate with our teens and leads us to wonder why they don’t listen. So here is how can we use this understanding of the teenage brain to stay connected:

When communicating with your teen, start with asking instead of telling. For example, what is their take on a situation? Why did they do X and what does it mean to them? Once you understand their perspective, then work together with your young person to find a solution. By asking genuine questions to understand their thinking we can demonstrate respect and recognise they may be interpreting the situation differently to us. It can be useful to share your feelings with them, or explain why the issue is important to you, and then ask them for their perspective on the issue. Which means you are approaching the issue side by side, not as the expert. Through troubleshooting solutions together, you demonstrate to your teen that you accept and respect them and believe that they are competent (capable of problem solving) and as a result, they experience status and autonomy as they feel that they are “bringing something to the table”. By working through these steps not only do you strengthen your relationship but also your teens’ sense of belonging.

For example, let’s say your teen is breaking the family rule of being home by 6pm for dinner. Perhaps you could start the conversation by acknowledging there is a problem, and you would like to work with them to solve it. Explain why that rule is important to you. Then ask them for their perspective. Make sure you approach this conversation with curiosity, sitting side by side if possible. Acknowledge their response – perhaps their friends might all be allowed out until 7pm and they don’t want to miss out. Don’t negate their response or criticise it – accept and show understanding for their point of view. Ask them to suggest how this could be resolved – troubleshoot for a solution. The idea is to work together to find a solution that works for you both.

Sometimes these questions can help our teen better understand why we have certain boundaries/rules. But this technique serves another purpose in that it reminds us parents that we too can react to our interpretation of a situation and not its reality, and by changing how we see things can help us solve problems. Perhaps all our relationships could benefit from approaching problems in this way, and not just in communication with our teens.

If you or your teen need support with mental health, wellbeing, making changes or working though challenges, get in touch to see how I can help.