As a psychologist and parent, the development of mobile phones and the internet (and the pairing of the two) has led to serious concerns that I have been motivated to share after viewing the panorama documentary “Can we live without our phones?”
About 8 years ago I stood in front of a class of 17-year-olds and despaired. They had all arrived early for the lesson and were sitting in silence. You might think that was a good thing, I mean that is what we tell students – be on time for your lessons and no talking unless you’ve been told to. When I first started teaching, students arrived in the nick of time to lessons and would be chatting, giggling and teasing each other across the room. But this group of 17-year-olds would not have recognised the face of the person sitting behind them, let alone their name. They sat in silence, looking at their phones.
I realised then that this period of their lives which is important for socialising, learning to communicate with peers and finding their tribe, was changing rapidly. Instead of learning to recognise micro expressions and non-verbal cues like smiles and frowns, they were instead using emojis and abbreviated text.
Deepening my concern, was the rise of instant gratification. With companies offering next day delivery and the ready availability of entertainment at our fingertips, the ability to delay gratification is being eroded. This means the ability to wait, to work for something that has long term rewards, and to be comfortable with boredom is no longer practiced. Boredom is important; being able to sit with oneself and to think, to be motivated to use your initiative is an experience practiced since forever for humans. In boredom great things can arise, imagination grows, and new ideas can bubble to the surface of your brain. All of that seems dulled when you have bright colours and flashy lights erupting from a tiny screen in your hand. You don’t need to think for yourself or create or invent something. Just scroll.
Alright, I know I may sound like a neanderthal, and I don’t mean to. Technology can be great; I love being able to communicate in real time with my friends across the world, being able to “emergency order” oat milk for next day delivery, and ask chat GPT to recraft a paragraph for me. But not at the cost of my mind. I love staring into the distance, at trees and scenery, and being calmed by nature. I love the energy buzz that comes from laughing face to face with friends, feeling the presence of other people. Screens can’t replace those things. They mustn’t!
Recent research has found that hearing your mothers’ voice has a uniquely soothing effect that cannot be replicated via text messages. Our bodies are designed to be around other bodies – not separated by screens. From birth we are designed to communicate with others, and we learn to mirror and read facial expressions from our parents. And yet I have seen so many young children with a screen (tablet) stuck in front of them to stop them bothering their parents. To keep them entertained. To keep them from looking at people in the supermarket, from observing real life. I worry that children are being “dumbed” by screens and prevented from learning the intricacies of communicating, of the give and take between people and also of the assurance that you are worthy of parental love because they have time for you (instead of shutting up your real needs with a screen).
I was not surprised by the teenagers’ reactions to going without their phone for a week in the Panorama documentary. I was however, surprised by the way their parents managed the teens phone use. You may argue that it is difficult to restrict their phone use when parents are always on their phones too. We also drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and engage in other unhealthy behaviour - should we let our children do those things too? And you don’t need to make a simple parental boundary complicated. You are the boss. Remember they can have many friends but only one parent and our job is to nurture and protect them. This means that sometimes you have to be the “Bad guy”, so wear that badge with love!
It is quite possible that mobile phones for younger teens will be banned in the near future. In the meantime, we parents don’t need government legislation to tell us how important it is to manage children’s phone use. If you need convincing just look at their behaviour when they have been looking at screens for too long.
Here are some simple ways to help your teen manage their phone use:
No phones in the bedroom. EVER. Not even on weekends. Full Stop.
Sleep is crucial for their growth and development – and behaviour. No looking at screens at least an hour or so before bed. Full Stop.
Have a place in the house – kitchen or lounge where phones must stay (parents could do this too!) That way you can be aware of the amount time spent on screens as well as what they are looking at.
Get on Google family and have a look at the settings. You can place limits on, or ban, certain apps – I removed YouTube from my son’s phone as he was struggling to resist the endless scrolling through inane videos. Best of all, you can limit the screen time so that the phone shuts down after an hour of use. Brilliant!
If they are particularly moody after being on their phones/screens - point it out to them. Encourage them to reflect on how they feel and why they feel that way. After a day out when they are beaming and have had a great time (without screens) reflect that back to them to – how do they feel? Have they used screens? Do they notice the difference? For the rebellious, you could ask them how they feel about screens having that much power over them? Are they happy for tech companies to manipulate their behaviour and interests through various algorithms? Teach them to be able to reflect on their moods and behaviours so they can be aware of and manage their own phone use.
If and when you do make changes to their phone use, have frank conversations with them about why you are making the changes and perhaps they can problem solve how to manage their “withdrawal” with you. It would help to have alternatives in place to help them. Their phone use would have been affected by what else they have going on in their lives. Encourage them to have hobbies, attend a sports club, go for bike rides etc. Make sure you have books, stationery, board games, things to do instead of scrolling. Invite their friends over and send them out for a picnic. You get the picture.
When smartphones first emerged, if only we had realised how addictive they would become, and the detrimental effect would have on our lives. Surely, we would have introduced the stricter controls that are evidently needed. A generation of children have had their social (and arguably emotional) development handed over to tech companies. It is our responsibility as parents to reclaim our children’s wellbeing. As we would help a drug addict to recover from their addiction, we must help our children recover from theirs.
Take control now and help your teen develop into a healthy and happy human. If you are struggling with this, get in touch as I have helped teens (and their parents) to overcome and manage phone addictions.
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