You may have read the article “Parenting stress is a health issue – US surgeon general’s advisory report” with parents’ wellbeing declared a ‘critical health priority’." https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/28/surgeon-general-parent-health-wellness?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
For my Masters dissertation a few years ago, I designed an intervention for families to use around the dinner table. It is uplifting, easy to implement and has had positive and perhaps unexpected findings. If you are a stressed-out parent and in need of an easy positive boost for your family – have a read of my article below and maybe give my intervention a try.
A dinnertime intervention
“Mummy! Mummy! What were your favourite things today mummy?” A little girl asks whilst sitting with her family around the dinner table. Each family member has had a turn to share the best bits of their day and now it is her mum’s turn.
I designed this intervention for my master’s dissertation a few years ago. Three families participated in my study which asked them to follow the following instructions for two weeks: At dinner time take turns to share with each other two things that went well that day and one thing you are looking forward to tomorrow. Participants were asked to respond to each other encouragingly, in what is known as an “active-constructive response style”. This communication style includes maintaining eye contact with the sharer, displaying positive emotions and saying something like: “It’s great that you like to get outside. What was your favourite part?"
Although this was a very small study which means the results can’t be generalised, I believe that the benefits the families experienced should be shared.
In all families, the children took charge of the intervention. For example they decided who went when, reminded the rest of the family to do the intervention and often noted throughout the day what would be included in their “good things”. In other words, the children loved it.
On a practical level, parents found it useful when their children shared what they were looking forward to as this often served as a reminder to pack PE kits, or charity money for a bake sale, for example. They also learned new things about their children, who in turn, felt valued and listened to.
The parents all felt that the intervention had improved family cohesion, they enjoyed hearing family members’ responses and felt it changed the focus at mealtimes. There was less arguing at the dinner table, with less focus on “eat your vegetables” resulting in a more positive atmosphere.
An unexpected finding was the positive impact this intervention had on the parent’s relationship with each other. It created an opportunity to give (and receive) attention. There was time for them to be heard and to learn about each others’ day too – more so than they normally did.
Here are some snippets from their feedback:
Tim: (to Tina), because a lot of the time we just kind of get forgotten don’t we? We’re used to just worrying about those machines that we don’t tend to worry an awful lot about each other … I think maybe it highlights the fact that
Tina: (interrupts) maybe we need to give each other a bit more attention (looking at each other, loving smiles)
Carla: When Cliff gets home from work the first focus to be something positive coming out of my mouth rather than all the things that I am worried about today, and actually, quite often now, the conversation then doesn’t turn to the things that I am worried about because - I haven’t consciously made that decision - it’s just that we’re in a positive mind-frame, we’re talking about things we’re looking forward to …
The participants used the word “insightful” to describe their experience; they felt the intervention had made them think differently or provided an insight into the other members’ minds. This theme ran through the interviews; parents found their children’s responses interesting, endearing and humorous. All their children became invested in the intervention; they enjoyed thinking of the good things that had happened each day and shared more as time went on.
If you are interested in the science behind why this works read on.
The intervention is based on Seligman’s “Three Good Things” gratitude practice which is known to improve mood and happiness. Practicing gratitude also promotes relationship building and influences relationship satisfaction, trust, willingness to forgive and closeness.
The enthusiastic response style that parents were asked to use, is positively related to children’s friendship quality and improves their ability to form high quality interpersonal relationships. Children learn through observing (and then imitating) the behaviour of role models (i.e. parents and older siblings). The positive (constructive) response of others actually leads to greater benefits than sharing the news itself.
Children learn to understand, regulate and express emotions through a process called emotion socialization. When parents have positive conversations with their children they have the opportunity to model preferred ways of feeling, thinking, behaving and, responding. They are also coaching their child’s experience of positive emotions, feelings and moods. In other words, these positive conversations develop children’s ability to process emotions. Further benefits from these dinner time conversations are that children are more likely to display intrinsic motivation, experience autonomy and develop their sense of identity through this positive interaction.
If that wasn’t enough to convince you, research shows that children from harmonious homes are more likely to have successful relationships, be more resilient, have better academic outcomes, be more sociable and are less likely to suffer from poor mental health.
Of course, I am not claiming that a conversation at dinnertime is going to take away your stress and magically make you well. I do hope however, that it will offer a soothing balm of positivity, providing some moments in your day for you to remember how special your family is to you, which in itself may give you a boost and build your resilience.
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