The end of the summer holidays and it’s back to school or starting college for our teenagers – a new phase for some and returning to a new year at school for others. I run through the practical things I must do to ensure a smooth return to school – uniform ready? (shit! mental note to buy a blazer asap!) Stationery - sorted, shopping list for lunchbox food and healthy option breakfasts - ready to go!
More important is the emotional support my teens may need this week. It is important to keep lines of communication open (it is always important to keep lines of communication open!). If your teen thinks you will judge them, criticise them, think they are silly (negate what they say), those lines are going down. Ask them how they feel about returning to school/college. And listen to their answer. They may be excited and anxious about what to wear if starting college – this is an invitation to discuss outfit options (easy) or they may be anxious and dreading going back – this is the harder conversation. For this conversation be careful not to take over and do all the talking. Let them talk – encourage them with phrases like “Tell me more about that” or “What makes you feel that way?” It is important that you don’t interrupt and can be comfortable with silence – they are still learning to communicate and expressing emotions is not easy. Give them time to think and respond. Don’t change the subject or say “well at least you (insert option here)”. Let them know their feelings are valid. Simply saying something like “I am sorry you feel like that” or “that must really suck” goes a long way in validating their feelings and developing trust.
I say this because I used love working with teens at college. They were so much fun, often up for a laugh, enthusiastic, innocent, curious and often caring. Not all students were like this of course, but those that were the prickliest and toughest to make smile were often the most delightful. They were often the most hurt too and their shell was there for protection. A common theme with many students was the lack of communication they had with their parents. Their parents meant well but didn’t listen. They asked them questions and then answered the questions themselves, without waiting for the teen to respond. Parents made assumptions and didn’t listen to hear what their teen had to say. It can be difficult to verbalise your feelings, especially when you have hormones raging around your body and your brain is in the process of rewiring itself. Which is why I stress again - give them time to respond to your questions. Wait for them to answer. If the silence really does go on for too long, ask them if they understood the question.
Once the conversation has finished, ask them to find one thing they are looking forward to this week and explore their response enthusiastically. It is important to foster positive emotions as these help bolster resilience and are an important ingredient for happiness. As are positive relationships which you will be building with your teen through improved communication.
Be there for them this week – emotionally available (not on your phone when they try to talk to you) and wait through their awkward teenage silences. They may surprise you with their insights and humour. They will feel safe and valued if they can see that you really do want to hear what they have to say.
Comments