The teenage years are about working out who you are and what space you want to occupy in the world. This natural shift towards independence can create a gap in communication between teenagers and their parents, with both sides feeling the other doesn’t understand. Parents are often perceived as being critical and judgemental and as a result teenagers can feel they have to resolve their challenges alone.
Fortunately, this doesn’t have to be the case. Let me share with you the strategy I use with my teens, which was created in response to a communication breakdown with my then 9-year-old daughter.
We had a misunderstanding about buying a book that she wanted. She hadn’t known how to convey that she wanted a particular ‘cover’ and it wasn’t until we were back home that I realised she was upset. She hadn’t said anything when we were in the shop because she thought I’d be angry and think she was being silly.
I felt terrible. My daughter had felt unable to communicate with me because she feared my reaction (she had a valid point; I would have thought it silly). What if in the future she ended up with a teenage pregnancy, or in a bad relationship and felt she couldn’t tell me? How often do we hear parents exclaim, “Why couldn’t they just tell me?” Communication is so important, and I very strongly felt (and still do) that my children should always be able to talk to me about anything.
There and then we decided this would never happen again. She chose a codeword (I’m not telling you what it is) and we agreed that whenever she needs me to stop everything and listen without reacting, she would say her special word. She is now 16 and we still use the word.
For this strategy to work, it is important that trust works both ways. I made the mistake of using it with my son who was 6 at the time. As you can imagine it was tested and so was I! The challenge was for me to prove that he could trust the word – so I didn’t get cross (I quietly simmered) but we did have conversations about how and when the word should be used and not as a “get out of jail free card” to avoid punishment.
With hindsight, this strategy is best introduced at a sensible age, with an explanation about its intended use. And make sure you honour it every time; no lecturing, no telling off, no belittling. Just listen and then offer support.
These days, my teens use their code words sparingly. Often as a way into asking a controversial question, but also when they have made a mistake and want to own it.
If you have young people in your life, it may be worth suggesting they choose a code word for when they are in trouble and/or need you to listen and help without getting angry. But you absolutely MUST honour your side of the deal, if you get angry even once this strategy loses it power.
With our teens heading into a phase of life when we can’t protect them as we did when they were younger, a code word is a wonderful tool to allow us to help them when they might otherwise not have asked. Start the new year by introducing a magic word to strengthen your relationship with your teen.
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